I Am Okay......

I will start with my periodic disclaimer that this is not my typical post.  It is a random post.  I realized as this floated through my head that the reason I wrote my first post and continue to do so is because I wish I had known my grandparents and their parents and so on more closely.  I wish I had more knowledge of their lives and their personality and their everyday thoughts.  I wish I had a journal that they left so I would feel totally connected to who they were.  So, I write, and at the end of each year I publish.  For better or worse, someday those I leave behind will know me.  I put on paper what I think and feel, good or bad.

And thus, the reason for this. I know when I read a very long blog entry, I skip to the end and never bother with the middle.  So skip to the end if you wish because this is really for me.

I have been in the middle of self help book therapy.  I am not sure why.  Yes, I am actually sure why.  I am nearing the 10 year anniversary of Matt's accident.  I felt it necessary to embrace how others coped with tragedy.  Sometimes it is helpful to know that others know how you feel.  I really do not want or wish for anyone to deal with the death of a child but if you do and choose to write about it then maybe something you put on paper will be something I can relate to. I am finished.  I have read the entirety of three books.  Some were well written, another...I am not so sure, but I finished it anyway.  I am so grateful that I chose to read.  I learned a lot about myself.  I know that I am OKAY.  Not because other people are mournful too, but because I am in a very healthy place.  I was okay before I ever picked up any of these books.  I have been all along. I am sure that sounds strange.  I lost my first born son.  He was a good friend.  He was someone who should have been able to share the joy that lived within him with others, but he was taken anyway. The hurt that lived in my heart was almost insurmountable for a long time.  It was quite awhile before thoughts of Matt and the fact that he was gone did not fill every moment of every day.  It lessened.  The pain did not cease completely and I assure you there is never closure but there is acceptance.  Reality sets in.  It is not a bad dream and I will not wake up and find Matt coming in the back door.  God called my son home...for whatever reason, at that moment that Matt's plane took off God knew it was the end of his days on earth.  Someone said "who knew when they took off in a jet that morning that they would land in the arms of God", and so they did.  I have a very strong faith.  For whatever reason I never sought therapy.  I do not know if that was a good or bad decision but it is too late to reevaluate that choice.  As I look back I think that everything I was surrounded with was my therapy. What I did seek, and still do is God.  I know that if this is what God put in my path then He will give me the strength to deal with it.  I am blessed.  I say that often and I believe it.  I do not have to look for good continually.... it is there everyday.  I am a year and a half removed from a job that I loved.  Every workday was a pleasure.  My boss, coworkers, and students were a true gift.  My friends are a constant in my life.  They accept my boldness, my ability to make a short story go on forever, the lack of a filter on my mouth, and my total lack of social correctness in a lot of situations.  God knows I love them all for tolerating me.
My family is all here now.  I did not grow up so lucky.  We were 24 hours away from relatives and our once a year gatherings were just not enough. That I am in a five mile radius of my children is something I never imagined would be possible. I find reasons to smile everyday.  The outdoors and a breeze can turn any amount of sadness into a happy time.  Grandchildren...no need to expound on that.  It is instant joy.  I know now I am strong.  I have coped with loss and will continue to.  I am not singing my own praises.  I am just happy.  Yes, it is almost ten years and I know I am healthy.  I believe faith has so much to do with that.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there will be a reunion in heaven.  I wish I did not have to wait but I am not ready to leave where I am just yet either. I am not a bible carrying person and I cannot quote much scripture but I find all the peace I need inside a church with my rosary in my hand. I am so thankful to my parents for giving me that. I did not always love getting out of bed EVERY Sunday morning, pinning a doily to my head and sitting through church. Something must have soaked in while I was sitting in those pews even if I did not think I listened. I do not think they realized how much I would depend on the background of faith they left with me.  I know I am blessed and will continue to be, and I am okay.