On a very personal note...let me say that this month always stinks. I would be lying if I said it didn't. To go from the euphoria of watching your firstborn marry, move with his wife to California, settle in to being a husband, celebrate a 27th birthday, and then die a month later sucks.
I look forward to fall with very mixed emotions.
I love the season, but I hate the memories.
I am pretty good at being happy...when I need to be. I am a content person and I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with...but I miss my child. I want him to call and say "Hi mom, this is Matt". He always did. Did he think I would confuse him for someone else?!
I know that I have no right to expect that I am going to live a trouble free life. None of us do. We all have baggage, burdens, and worries. I know that what I foresaw as our future is not what God had in mind. I accept that and live that daily. I am not mad that I was chosen for this. My whole family was affected by what happened but we seldom talk about the awful period in our lives anymore. I don't yell at God now...but I did when it happened. I am thankful for the strength that came along with this burden for otherwise I would be pretty tough to be around. I know what will be someday, but I also know what is now, and there are just some days that I am sad...and I guess that is today.
I know that tomorrow I will be back to normal, but I also know that if for today I cannot automatically paste on a smile that it is okay. We all have the right to live in the past for a moment, wish for what might have been, and then we move on to the reality of our future.
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