On My Mind.....

I have pretty much been consumed lately by thoughts of my cousin. He is dying. I think that is much harder for me to say than it is for him.

Richard has cancer. He is very close to my age and was diagnosed last summer. His prognosis was not promising back then but he did everything he could to fight this awful demon. For a short while it looked like he had won. He was in remission and had a new outlook on his future. But now this disease is back with a vengance and the time he has left is not lengthy. I know miracles can happen but Richard is facing what he expects with such dignity and humor.

I had the opportunity to talk to him for a good while last week. He is the same. On the other end of the line there was no clue that he was even ill..except for his occasional remarks about what was to come. We reminisced, talked about family, and how he spends his days. It was hard for me to hang up. I wish I was closer. I think time spent with him now would be a treasure. In his words..."Patti, I would fix you a drink, I would have some morphine and we could visit!" Oh, to be able to be honest and humorous at the same time.

It makes me wonder how I would handle the same sentence he has been given. What would I do with my days and how would I feel each morning about the hours ahead? I know I would write, because that is what I love to do. I feel a need to leave everything in my head on paper (hence, this blog). I would possibly have to give up time in my sewing room because I would want to spend time in a manner less self involved. I would sit outside because that is where I am happiest. It also made me realize that though it is nothing I am looking forward to, I am not afraid. Maybe having lost a son makes death seem less scary. I realize that on the other side of what I know now is what I miss so much. I have so many thoughts today. It is not someplace my mind usually is but for some reason it has been where my head wanders lately.

So, I am praying for as much time as God is willing to allow Richard to stay here. And I am grateful to Richard for carrying my message along with him to heaven. He has given me so much.