This is for me...totally for me. I am looking for a way to include this in my blog (my journal so to speak) so I have a permanent remembrance of the feelings that are filling my heart, mind, and soul tonight without actually putting it out for public review. There does not seem to be a way so please understand that this is a way to record the feelings in my heart now...as I am feeling them...the disclaimer attached that this is not my ordinary blog material. The past 10 months have been an awakening for me. It is not something that I can easily explain or even understand. I have questioned the timing of this, the reasons for this, and the meaning of this. There is not reasonable explanation....it is just a gift.
I have been Catholic since birth. It was not a choice. My parents and many generations before them were Catholic so it was predetermined that would be my birth right. And so it was with my kids. I was the product of Catholic schools. My teachers were nuns and Mass was part of my school day. My religious upbringing was a habit. I did not object to that part of my upbringing. It just became SUCH a habit that I think as I grew older I lost the real meaning of Church and the meaning of my Catholic faith. I was for years only a Christer....that is an attendee on Christmas and Easter. I prayed even during these times away from the church....when I lost my car keys, when my kids need guidance and I needed help with that, and when there were any other problems I needed help solving. I did believe. I just did not practice what I believed.
In May of 2012 I went to Mass on a random Sunday, which was not part of my usual routine. It was not Christmas and it was not Easter but I felt a need to go. I cannot explain that day but when I went to church knew I was home. I belonged there and I have been there every Sunday since.
Easter Sunday is almost here. In a way I am sad. For me Lent has been another awakening. I choose not to give up anything this year...but to do something that would hopefully make me a better Christian. I choose to attend Mass more than just on Sunday morning. I did not know what that would do for me. I have grown in my faith in a way I never saw coming. I have learned so much about myself and my God. I know that I was meant to be a Catholic. The symbolism, the tradition, the ceremony, the ritual...it is right for me. My whole being feels every part of the Mass.
Tonight I went to the first Holy Thursday service I have ever attended. One hour and forty five minutes long and I was sad when it was over. There was such an abundance of symbolism in the mass. I spent more than half of the service with visible tears running down my face. I have never been part of such a moving ceremony. I know from watching the congregation that they were where I was...in total awe of the presence of God in our midst. We left the church in total silence...not wanting to let go of the feeling that had captured all of us.
Tonight I feel a calm and a peace that is different than any I have ever felt. I am grateful, I am blessed, and I am humbled. It is like that feeling you have at Christmas when the spirit is so strong and you wish is would go on forever. I almost hate to see this Lenten season come to a close. I have grown so much in faith in the last 40 days. I believe that Pope Francis is a gift to the church. He came at a time when Catholicism was struggling. He will be the right person to lead us back to the roots of our faith. Tonight my heart is full.
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